I'm tired, and I need to write. That is to say, I have two urges that I really need to fulfill, but The mental urge needs out before I give into the physical. I gave into quite a bit of mindless entertainment recently, and my mind is suffering from the lack of exercise. Best to give it a bit of a warm up. Especially since I have a paper that needs researched/written by the end of the week. Sigh. Being a student is a bit of a pain on occasion.
So what to write that could be of interest? I have no prompt really, but there was a bit of an artsy piece I came across that I had written ages ago. By the looks of it, and based on the speech patterns I attempted to deliver via the particular medium, I was probably mildly intoxicated. Regardless, I quite enjoyed it.
It concerned 'hate'.
Hate always seems an interesting topic of choice. Its a word/state that I believe is often taken for granted/overused/etc. Its really lost meaning. We say, 'oh I hated that movie,' or 'I hate traffic.' But how often do people actually experience legitimate, and real 'hate'? I'd venture to guess not very often.
Firstly, it seems that hate is often mistaken for anger. Again, 'hate' is used so often that its meaning has become much less. Someone could get into a fight with another and claim that they 'hate' them. If one were to actually inquire if they truly 'hated' that person, chances are that they would say no, but that they are just really angry with them.
So why retract the statement upon second examination? For me, when asked if I really meant 'hate' there is a certain exponential increase of intensity in the emotion. The second questioning takes the lackluster 'hate' and instead seeks to showcase the possibility of the 'real deal' (if one will).
To actually hate entails something brutal, and near-primal. In fact, to actually 'hate' carries a negative connotation not upon the victim of the hate, but on the one possessing the emotion. Its something one should be ashamed of, and something one should regret. It leads to rash decisions, potentially violent actions--essentially nothing good. I've found through my studies that if one wishes to see where ideas of morals came about, it can easily be found through the endless stories across cultures. With regards to the topic in question, ever read/hear a story about the benefits of hate? I haven't. I'm fairly confident I wont ever encounter one either.
So it does seem that hate is a negative thing- a sort of regression to a more primitive state, and something that we should be able to control.
I have 'hated'. Not in the light sense. No where near it. The piece that I wrote (mentioned earlier), contains a fairly illustrative description of the feeling. I've only felt it once, and nothing ever came close to it ever before or since.
"I saw [the girl] a week ago- stared her in the eye for a few moments. I realized that I have nothing but wrath for her now. I despise her. I once thought that I could make things better and forgive her, but when I saw her that day I realized that it couldnt happen. I found that I can now tell someone what hate feels like. You feel a discomfort in your own skin just at sight of the thing. Extremities go numb, muscles tighten up- its an enormous mental conflict between confrontation and utter avoidance. You want it gone. You remind yourself to be a civilized and controlled human being, and so you resist, and just deal with the situation. But its like trying to sit in a room with someone scratching nails on a chalkboard, and you cannot make a single reaction. All you want to do is yell, attack, leave, anything but be passive and civilized. You even lose sleep over it. That is hate. And it is misery."
I do not feel this way toward that person anymore. Rereading that paragraph, however, it all comes back. Every feeling described, I remember vividly. It is a painful experience. Its a desperate feeling, and one that reminds one of how weak they are. It feels like an emotion of last resort- what to go to once you've run out of options, and you've realized you cannot win no matter what.
It reminds me of quotes from film and books: "its hate that drives him".
Given my brief experience with hate, I understand the above quote in an entirely new light. While in retrospect, it can be seen that to hate is indeed a shameful thing, there is power behind it. That 'burn' that is always referred to is the effect hate has in erasing all logic and reason. The power is that there is no more human restraint in hate.
"anything is possible"
while that phrase is normally looked upon in a fond light, seeing it through the lens of hate's enabling force, it is frightening. Anything can be done through hate. There is no right or wrong, good or bad. There is the object of hate, and the only thing that is of concern is eliminating that object, so that one need not hate anymore.
And most frightening of all, when one manages to rid oneself of the hated object, logic and reason return.When they do, one can look back and see clearly everything that has been done for the one goal. One can see every sacrifice made, every log thrown on the fire, and every piece of the soul that is left torn and shredded in the firey wake.
At that point, there are only two options: come to terms with the damage that oneself has wrought and work to make amends, or to delve further into the hate and blind oneself of the horrors committed.
I only had a taste of Hate. It is bitter, painful, poisonous, and like many other aspects of power, addictive.
